Illustration for article titled How To Fix America’s Protective Equipment Shortage

Across the United States, a shortage of personal protective equipment such as masks and gloves has made medical care more difficult and raised the risk of coronavirus transmission. The Onion presents suggestions for fixing America’s PPE shortage.

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Check under couch cushions for any PPE that might have fallen down there.


Shove some plastic in 3D printers and wear whatever comes out over your face.


Check Amazon. Again.


Have CDC convince businesses that long-term demand for medical equipment will remain high by pledging to release a new devastating virus every two years.

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Save gloves by having doctors perform all medical procedures one-handed.


Quickly undo decades of work dismantling American manufacturing sector.


Demand Build-A-Bear factory start pulling its fucking weight.


Switch on big red “TURBO” button to produce faster.


Humble nation before more competent world governments.


Wait little longer to see if problem fixes itself.

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