How To Fix The USPS Financial Crisis

Illustration for article titled How To Fix The USPS Financial Crisis

The United States Postal Service has come under fire from elected officials for a variety of financial issues, while the coronavirus pandemic and the upcoming presidential election create additional burdens for the federal agency. The Onion looks at ways to fix the USPS financial crisis.

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Require all stamps to have even smaller stamps in upper-right corner.


Ask God for permission to start delivering on Sundays.


Postpone getting doors for mail trucks yet again.


Murder celebrities in large numbers to jumpstart commemorative stamp offerings.


Stop being such candy-asses about mailing hazardous reptiles.


Consider appointing a postmaster general without millions in FedEx stock.


Fire that toothy woman at the north Decatur location. Incredibly rude!


Rename post offices after Confederate generals to interest Republicans in protecting them.

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Reduce deliveries to single annual Mail Day holiday.


Replace all pensions with really nice “thank you” viral campaign.

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