Many Americans do not know how to kiss. Here is how to kiss.
First Get Your Tongue As Dry As Possible
Nobody likes the feeling of a sloppy wet tongue near their mouth. Before you kiss, make sure to stick your tongue out to get it as dehydrated and sandpapery as you can.
Apply For A Kissing License
Depending on where you live, you’ll need to apply at your local county commissioner’s office or town hall for a kissing license valid in your area. You’ll need to pass your kissing test and renew the license every 5 years.
Be Married To The Person You’re Kissing
Otherwise you’re a whore.
Practice With A Family Member Beforehand
If you want to make sure you’re satisfying your partner, it’s never a bad idea to ask a brother, sister, cousin, or even parent to help you hone your kissing technique before you go for the real thing.
Remember: Kiss, Meow, Kiss, Meow
To keep your kisses spicy, it’s important to alternate between passionate locked lips and breaking away to give a small “meow” in your partner’s ear.
Moisten Lips With Hose
Dry lips are a big kissing no-no. To prevent them, make sure to wet them up before going in by blasting them with a fire hose.
This is how you know the kiss is working.
Get Treated For Lockjaw
With a little help from medication and a warm compress, you should be kissing in two weeks, no problem.
Remove Corn Dog From Mouth
Don’t worry, it’ll still be there waiting for you after the kiss.
Rise For National Anthem
As a sign of respect for all those who have laid down their lives for the nation, stand and sing before kissing.
If you’re having trouble producing saliva, you can try visualizing a towering plate of spaghetti Bolognese.
Apply ChapStick To Tonsils
You don’t want to turn them off with your dry, flaky tonsils.
Pop A Vicodin
Murder Sexual Competitors
Experts generally recommend stabbing every same-sexed peer within a three-mile radius.
Insert Nasal Tube
Stopping to breathe will only ruin the moment.
Run Credit Check
The minimum requirement is 650.
Sign Nondisclosure Agreement
Make sure terms drawn up by your lawyer are airtight to prevent your partner from disclosing any details that could hinder business dealings or political campaigns.
Signals to your partner that you are ready to start kissing.
Warm Up With 50 Tongue Squats
Helps to prevent any injuries sustained during make-out session.
Google What Mouth Looks Like
Familiarize yourself with human orifices to avoid any embarrassing miscommunication.
Ask For Pillow’s Consent (If Using Pillow)
Always make sure you have permission before becoming intimate with your pillow, your hand, or a photo of a person on a magazine cover.
Practice proper hygiene before and after kiss.
No getting around it. If you’re not circumcised, you have no business kissing.
Plump Your Jetson
Give the old b-jet a quick one, two, three!
Downplay Your Role In The 2011 U.S. Military Intervention In Libya
Participation in a government overthrow that led to widespread violence and open-air slave markets is a big turnoff for most kissers.
Two or three mellifluous chirps should suffice.
Picture A Boob Or A Testicle
Envision a single boob or testicle in your mind’s eye, and you’ll be feeling all electric inside when those lips lock.
Place Bait On Tongue
In order to attract a hungry kissing partner, remember to place a small worm or grub on top of your tongue.
Hold Mouth Open With Tire Jack
To make kissing easier and prevent you from biting, it may be helpful to hold your mouth open with a tire jack.
Spit Out Nuts Stored In Cheeks
Although it’s helpful to store nuts in your cheeks for winter, your partner could potentially steal them with their tongue while kissing.
Before you start kissing, it’s important to thank God for the bountiful kisses that He, the Almighty Creator, has provided you.
Issue Formal Apology To Incel Community
Although you have betrayed them and everything they stand for, it’s important to come clean and say that you’ve finally given in to temptation.
Freshen Your Breath With Pine Needles
While not necessary, it is considered a common courtesy to thoroughly scrub your gums, lips, and tongue with fresh-foraged evergreen branches.
Put Blanket Over Child’s Head
If there is anyone under the age of 12 nearby, you will have to cover each one with a specially sewn modesty blanket.
Inform The Proper Authorities
At the end of each quarter, you will be expected to register any kisses from the previous period with both local and federal governments. Failure to do so will result in fines or, in cases of sex, jail time.
Be sure to pull your tongue out as soon as it starts to feel good or everyone involved will immediately become pregnant.
Start The Countdown Clock
Once it is initiated, you will have 30 seconds to complete the smooch or find yourself permanently banned from any future kisses.
Latch Kissing Partner To Lips
If you’re struggling to get your kissing partner to latch, don’t be ashamed to try using a saliva pump instead.
Keep Your Eyes Open The Whole Time
Eye contact is very important for communication, so make sure to stare wide-eyed directly into the face of your kissing partner and avoid blinking.
Shove Your Entire Head In Their Mouth
A more advanced technique sure to drive your date wild.
Ask For Head Instead
Why waste your mouth energy on the hard work of kissing when you could sit back and receive head instead?
And that’s it! Now print and prominently display this certificate of course completion in your home or business kissing office!