Many Americans do not know how to kiss. Here is how to kiss.
Advertisement
Nobody likes the feeling of a sloppy wet tongue near their mouth. Before you kiss, make sure to stick your tongue out to get it as dehydrated and sandpapery as you can.
Advertisement
Depending on where you live, you’ll need to apply at your local county commissioner’s office or town hall for a kissing license valid in your area. You’ll need to pass your kissing test and renew the license every 5 years.
Advertisement
Otherwise you’re a whore.
Advertisement
If you want to make sure you’re satisfying your partner, it’s never a bad idea to ask a brother, sister, cousin, or even parent to help you hone your kissing technique before you go for the real thing.
Advertisement
To keep your kisses spicy, it’s important to alternate between passionate locked lips and breaking away to give a small “meow” in your partner’s ear.
Advertisement
Dry lips are a big kissing no-no. To prevent them, make sure to wet them up before going in by blasting them with a fire hose.
Advertisement
This is how you know the kiss is working.
Advertisement
With a little help from medication and a warm compress, you should be kissing in two weeks, no problem.
Advertisement
Don’t worry, it’ll still be there waiting for you after the kiss.
Advertisement
As a sign of respect for all those who have laid down their lives for the nation, stand and sing before kissing.
Advertisement
If you’re having trouble producing saliva, you can try visualizing a towering plate of spaghetti Bolognese.
Advertisement
You don’t want to turn them off with your dry, flaky tonsils.
Advertisement
For nerves.
Advertisement
Experts generally recommend stabbing every same-sexed peer within a three-mile radius.
Advertisement
Stopping to breathe will only ruin the moment.
Advertisement
The minimum requirement is 650.
Advertisement
Make sure terms drawn up by your lawyer are airtight to prevent your partner from disclosing any details that could hinder business dealings or political campaigns.
Advertisement
Signals to your partner that you are ready to start kissing.
Advertisement
Helps to prevent any injuries sustained during make-out session.
Advertisement
Familiarize yourself with human orifices to avoid any embarrassing miscommunication.
Advertisement
Always make sure you have permission before becoming intimate with your pillow, your hand, or a photo of a person on a magazine cover.
Advertisement
Practice proper hygiene before and after kiss.
Advertisement
No getting around it. If you’re not circumcised, you have no business kissing.
Advertisement
Give the old b-jet a quick one, two, three!
Advertisement
Participation in a government overthrow that led to widespread violence and open-air slave markets is a big turnoff for most kissers.
Advertisement
Two or three mellifluous chirps should suffice.
Advertisement
Envision a single boob or testicle in your mind’s eye, and you’ll be feeling all electric inside when those lips lock.
Advertisement
In order to attract a hungry kissing partner, remember to place a small worm or grub on top of your tongue.
Advertisement
To make kissing easier and prevent you from biting, it may be helpful to hold your mouth open with a tire jack.
Advertisement
Although it’s helpful to store nuts in your cheeks for winter, your partner could potentially steal them with their tongue while kissing.
Advertisement
Before you start kissing, it’s important to thank God for the bountiful kisses that He, the Almighty Creator, has provided you.
Advertisement
Although you have betrayed them and everything they stand for, it’s important to come clean and say that you’ve finally given in to temptation.
Advertisement
While not necessary, it is considered a common courtesy to thoroughly scrub your gums, lips, and tongue with fresh-foraged evergreen branches.
Advertisement
If there is anyone under the age of 12 nearby, you will have to cover each one with a specially sewn modesty blanket.
Advertisement
At the end of each quarter, you will be expected to register any kisses from the previous period with both local and federal governments. Failure to do so will result in fines or, in cases of sex, jail time.
Advertisement
Be sure to pull your tongue out as soon as it starts to feel good or everyone involved will immediately become pregnant.
Advertisement
Once it is initiated, you will have 30 seconds to complete the smooch or find yourself permanently banned from any future kisses.
Advertisement
If you’re struggling to get your kissing partner to latch, don’t be ashamed to try using a saliva pump instead.
Advertisement
Eye contact is very important for communication, so make sure to stare wide-eyed directly into the face of your kissing partner and avoid blinking.
Advertisement
A more advanced technique sure to drive your date wild.
Advertisement
Why waste your mouth energy on the hard work of kissing when you could sit back and receive head instead?
Advertisement
And that’s it! Now print and prominently display this certificate of course completion in your home or business kissing office!
Advertisement