How To Lose Weight Fast

This high-protein, low-carb diet helps people lose weight fast by limiting their foods to the corpse of Dr. Richard Atkins.

Millions of Americans swear by the Christian Bale diet, which has helped actor Christian Bale lose 60 pounds for The Machinist alone.

Listen, somebody had to mention the elephant in the room.

It seems obvious, but improving your metabolism is as easy as making sure to drink the thickest possible water every day.

While counterintuitive, this approach will kickstart your weight loss by giving you the final additional bit of shame necessary to start finally working out.

What, you afraid to look cool?

It’s five steps from your bed to the bathroom and five steps back, so throw in 20% more steps and see those calories burn off in no time.

You can’t gain weight if there’s not enough to eat!

Not approved by the FDA, but it’s got a mean yellow scorpion on the label.

Some say the soul weighs 22 grams, so its departure should have your corpse looking svelte.

Burn a few extra calories before 10 a.m. by scaling eight floors’ worth of brick, stucco, and steel up to your office.

Ever give that a try, fatty?

Forget the old taboos this centuries-old weight loss method has with religious persecution. Results are results!

Shedding the emotional weight of your wife’s untimely death takes time, effort, and the ability to forgive yourself for not being there to save her.

This can be accomplished easily with petitions or, if necessary, pipe bombs.

Whenever possible, look for foods sourced from The Onion’s referral links.

For a fast, high-intensity cardio workout, there’s nothing better than offering yourself up to a wealthy billionaire who enjoys chasing and hunting humans for sport.

Your skin is almost 16% of your body weight, and there’s no faster way to shed that than turning up the radiation and watching it all peel off!

Have you considered actually trying to lose weight? We can’t do everything for you.

Face it. You’re doomed to have your mother’s hips forever.