How To Lose Weight Fast

How To Lose Weight Fast

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

While shedding those extra pounds can be a frustrating process, know that there are always plenty of quick, easy, non-FDA approved solutions out there. Here are some of the best, most effective ways to lose weight fast.

Advertisement

The Atkins Diet

The Atkins Diet

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

This high-protein, low-carb diet helps people lose weight fast by limiting their foods to the corpse of Dr. Richard Atkins.

Advertisement

Christian Bale Diet

Christian Bale Diet

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Millions of Americans swear by the Christian Bale diet, which has helped actor Christian Bale lose 60 pounds for The Machinist alone.

Advertisement

Eating Disorders

Eating Disorders

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Listen, somebody had to mention the elephant in the room.

Advertisement

Drink Thicker Water

Drink Thicker Water

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

It seems obvious, but improving your metabolism is as easy as making sure to drink the thickest possible water every day.

Advertisement

Gain A Few Extra Pounds

Gain A Few Extra Pounds

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

While counterintuitive, this approach will kickstart your weight loss by giving you the final additional bit of shame necessary to start finally working out.

Advertisement

Cigarettes

Cigarettes

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

What, you afraid to look cool?

Advertisement

Walk At Least 12 Steps Per Day

Walk At Least 12 Steps Per Day

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

It’s five steps from your bed to the bathroom and five steps back, so throw in 20% more steps and see those calories burn off in no time.

Advertisement

Engineer A Global Famine That Will Decimate The World’s Food Supply

Engineer A Global Famine That Will Decimate The World’s Food Supply

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

You can’t gain weight if there’s not enough to eat!

Advertisement

Gas Station Pills

Gas Station Pills

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Not approved by the FDA, but it’s got a mean yellow scorpion on the label.

Advertisement

Death

Death

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Some say the soul weighs 22 grams, so its departure should have your corpse looking svelte.

Advertisement

Skip The Elevator And Climb The Building’s Exterior

Skip The Elevator And Climb The Building’s Exterior

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Burn a few extra calories before 10 a.m. by scaling eight floors’ worth of brick, stucco, and steel up to your office.

Advertisement

Not Eating

Not Eating

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Ever give that a try, fatty?

Advertisement

Crucifixion

Crucifixion

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Forget the old taboos this centuries-old weight loss method has with religious persecution. Results are results!

Advertisement

Letting Go Of Her, Once And For All

Letting Go Of Her, Once And For All

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Shedding the emotional weight of your wife’s untimely death takes time, effort, and the ability to forgive yourself for not being there to save her.

Advertisement

Get Rid Of All Your Neighborhood’s Fast Food Restaurants

Get Rid Of All Your Neighborhood’s Fast Food Restaurants

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

This can be accomplished easily with petitions or, if necessary, pipe bombs.

Advertisement

Keep It Local

Keep It Local

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Whenever possible, look for foods sourced from The Onion’s referral links.

Advertisement

Human Hunt

Human Hunt

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

For a fast, high-intensity cardio workout, there’s nothing better than offering yourself up to a wealthy billionaire who enjoys chasing and hunting humans for sport.

Advertisement

Radiation

Radiation

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Your skin is almost 16% of your body weight, and there’s no faster way to shed that than turning up the radiation and watching it all peel off!

Advertisement

Try

Try

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Have you considered actually trying to lose weight? We can’t do everything for you.

Advertisement

Nothing

Nothing

Illustration for article titled How To Lose Weight Fast

Face it. You’re doomed to have your mother’s hips forever.

Advertisement