How To Make New Year’s Resolutions In A Pandemic

Illustration for article titled How To Make New Year’s Resolutions In A Pandemic

January is traditionally a time when people make resolutions for themselves to improve their lives , but the realities and restrictions of the Covid-19 pandemic are throwing many for a loop. The Onion offers advice for making new year’s resolutions during a pandemic.


Don’t stress yourself with far-fetched goals that you and everyone around you know you can’t achieve.

Remember that anything you’ve already accomplished can be a back-dated resolution.

To create the illusion of progress, make goals that mean nothing, like “be better to myself.”

Choose something simple, like reading all the way to the end of this list.

Resolve to not let your job control your life by remaining unemployed.

Focus more on short-term goals, like still being alive at the end of February.

Plan ahead by selecting which excuse you’ll use to justify not staying sober.

If fighting and destroying God seems too lofty, focus on defeating one of his angels.

Relax in the knowledge that you’ve got a good excuse to give up on pretty much anything.