The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.

  • Step 1: Decide whether you’d prefer your meditation space to be totally silent or have some classic Rodney Dangerfield sets playing in the background.
  • Step 2: As you prepare for your session, be careful not to confuse the tenets of meditation with those of yoga. Zen masters and yogis fucking hate each other.
  • Step 3: Focus on your breathing. Remember, the harder you breathe, the harder you will meditate.
  • Step 4: Pick a mantra to repeat over and over again while you meditate, such as “Om mani padme hum” or “Big money, big money.”
  • Step 5: Picture ocean waves gently washing ashore; in and out; in and out. See the waves. In; out; in; out. See? You’ve already forgotten about picking up your kids from soccer practice.
  • Step 6: With consistent practice, you should start developing calluses on your chakras in no time.
  • Step 7: If you don’t feel relaxed after you meditate for the first time, don’t be discouraged. You could just be one of those people who reaches inner peace by screaming into a pillow every now and then.
  • Step 8: Meditate at the same time the next day, until this precious escape becomes part of your drudging and mechanical routine.

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