How To Prepare A Will

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Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document:

  • STEP 1: Come to grips with the fact that you, on an actual day in the ever approaching future, will cease having any experiences or sensations whatsoever and will simply not exist for the rest of eternity. Done? Great. Now, let’s divvy up your stuff.
  • STEP 2: Over a period of decades, do your best to accumulate enough garbage to make any of this worth it.
  • STEP 3: Make your wishes known while you’re still around. Sit your children down and tell them you want a good, clean fight.
  • STEP 4: Delineate and assign roles for executor, beneficiaries, and the person responsible for avenging your death.
  • STEP 5: Reserve a wild-card slot for anyone cool you might meet before you die.
  • STEP 6: Include specific instructions for handling your remains. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?
  • STEP 7: Make time to meet with an attorney to lay out a detailed, comprehensive map to leave to the youngest and most unassuming of the family.
  • STEP 8: You don’t need the entire thing to be in legalese—include a personal note or two at the end about how bummed you are about being dead.
  • STEP 9: Have your will notarized to prevent Amy from wiggling her way back in.