Illustration for article titled How To Reform The Police

Sustained protest against the U.S. police system following the killing of Black man George Floyd by a white Minneapolis officer have spotlighted the need for police reform in America, although advocates offer many different solutions. The Onion looks at ways to reform the police in America.

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Disqualify applicants who list “use of excessive force” under special skills section of resume.

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Encourage departments to be more transparent about why exactly public will never in a million years be permitted to see any officer’s disciplinary records.

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Train officers how to de-escalate violence caused by rest of their training.


Replace police firearms with slide whistles and novelty guns that shoot white flags.

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Host “listening sessions” within communities to kick issue down road.


$500 bonus for cops who don’t kill unarmed black people.


Enhance community trust by having officers go door to door sharing their deepest, darkest secrets.

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Assign every cop a quick-witted, fast-talking partner to keep mood light and fun.

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Begin stopping citizens on street or pulling their cars over to issue apology notes.

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Create a police that polices the police, then maybe a police that polices that police, and then a police that polices the policing police, and...

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