How To Reform The Police

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Sustained protest against the U.S. police system has spotlighted the need for police reform in America, although advocates offer many different solutions. The Onion looks at ways to reform the police in America.

Disqualify applicants who list “use of excessive force” under special skills section of resume.


Encourage departments to be more transparent about why exactly public will never in a million years be permitted to see any officer’s disciplinary records.

Train officers how to de-escalate violence caused by rest of their training.

Replace police firearms with slide whistles and novelty guns that shoot white flags.


Host “listening sessions” within communities to kick issue down road.

$500 bonus for cops who don’t kill unarmed black people.

Enhance community trust by having officers go door to door sharing their deepest, darkest secrets.


Assign every cop a quick-witted, fast-talking partner to keep mood light and fun.

Begin stopping citizens on street or pulling their cars over to issue apology notes.


Create a police that polices the police, then maybe a police that polices that police, and then a police that polices the policing police, and...