How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube

Solve what is called “the cross” by rotating the top and bottom layers clockwise until the middle, top, and bottom squares are all the same color. Then rotate the left and right sides of the cube clockwise until the left and right pieces are the same color as well, creating a like-colored cross on the cube’s face.

Now locate one corner piece matching the color of the face you’re working on and twist its corresponding layers two times in the same direction each. Um, yeah, two times in the same direction—that should be right. That corner piece should now be directly underneath the cube face you’re attempting to complete.

Twist the side of the cube so the corner piece is on the same face as its corresponding middle piece. The top piece will now be on a different cube face, though. Wait, hold on a minute. How did this square become green? That’s definitely not right. You know what, just scramble the cube again and start over.

Solve the cross again. This time, maybe try rotating the top layer once, then the bottom layer, and then the right side of the cube until you can get one of the corner pieces to show up on the cube face. Boy, that completely screwed up the cross. What the hell? I didn’t even touch the middle layer—how did this white square get all the way over here? God, why’s this being such a pain? Set the cube down for a second and take a breath.

Okay, forget about the stupid white side, it’s all screwed up anyway. Do the yellow side instead. Begin by solving the cross. Once that’s complete, turn the top side until the piece is—Jesus fucking Christ! I didn’t want this fucking blue one here! Now I can’t even get it back to the goddamn cross. What the hell?

Stupid piece of shit.

Forget that dumb Rubik’s Cube and pick up this wooden labyrinth puzzle. This thing is more fun anyway. Start by rotating the knobs on either side so the area labeled “Start” is angled downward such that the steel ball will be held in place against the wooden barrier by gravity. Set the ball here.

Gently rotate the corresponding knob in the direction of the path you’d like the ball to go, making sure to keep your other hand primed and ready on the other knob. As the ball begins to move forward, start twisting the second knob in the direction you’d like the ball to move before the ball reaches the curve of the printed path so that—agh, whoops! Ball got going pretty fast there.

Okay, return the steel ball from the collection tray to the starting position and this time really anticipate the movements you’d like the ball to make beforehand by rotating the knobs well ahead of reaching the curves in the—god-fucking-dammit! Okay, you can do this. You do not need to go back to the Rubik’s Cube. No fucking way.

Pick the stupid steel ball up from the collection tray and put it back at the start. Just go for it this time. Really twist those sons of bitches. Hey, I got past the first hole! Cool! Now keep—DAMMIT! FUCKING HELL! Fuck this thing! Jesus.

Move on to this thing. Press the buttons to propel the little balls upward through the liquid and try to have them land in the little cups. That’s it. I guess you could tilt the device to the side as necessary to try to get the balls in there. Look, just keep pressing buttons.

I mean, you can keep going if you want to, but this thing is pretty dumb.

Alright, back to this fucking cube. Start again by rotating the layers until you make the cross; remember, that means making the middle, top, bottom, left, and right squares all the same color.

Then just, you know, sort of twist the layers around a bit. You can just go ahead and twist them in whatever directions you want. Whoa, hey, check it out—I got this corner piece matched up on the correct side! Maybe if you just keep rotating the layers around all crazy for long enough, one of the sides will come together.

Yeah, uh, so keep on twisting the thing for a little while, like half a minute or however long you want. That look any closer?

Whoa, check out this thing! Look what happens when you put this thing on your hand! Pretty cool, huh? The pins mold to whatever shape you want. Hey, what if I put it on my face?

Look at this! That’s my face. And the cool thing is it’ll stay like this, too. Neat!

Hey, have you seen these before? It feels super weird. If you try to squeeze it in your hand, it’ll shoot right out. Whoops, whoa, there it goes! Ha-ha! Cool.

Now just grab a super ball and whip it against the wall! Jesus, look at it go! Yeah. Damn thing’s still bouncing. Awesome.

Oh, right, this. Rubik’s Cubes are unsolvable.