A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

First, identify your community’s best resources, such as people with so little going on that they can focus on building a community garden.

Scout out suitable locations where landowners have not yet been tipped off to the profits that can be made in mixed-use development.

Burn exactly 30 sticks of incense beneath the full moon to ward off Nergal, god of famine and pestilence.


A corporate sponsor can help keep costs down, and there’s a wealth of petroleum companies out there looking to add a bullet point to the Community Outreach page of their website.

To prevent theft, fill your plot with a robust crop of radishes, parsnips, and rutabagas.


Increase involvement by designating a children’s garden where kids can learn how to fuck up a perfectly good batch of cherry tomatoes at their own pace.

Keep your tools in a locked shed to keep others from enjoying gardening with them while you’re not around.


It might seem grimy and thankless at first, but know that over time, you’ll become skilled at interacting with your neighbors.