A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:


First, identify your community’s best resources, such as people with so little going on that they can focus on building a community garden.

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Scout out suitable locations where landowners have not yet been tipped off to the profits that can be made in mixed-use development.


Burn exactly 30 sticks of incense beneath the full moon to ward off Nergal, god of famine and pestilence.

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A corporate sponsor can help keep costs down, and there’s a wealth of petroleum companies out there looking to add a bullet point to the Community Outreach page of their website.


To prevent theft, fill your plot with a robust crop of radishes, parsnips, and rutabagas.

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Increase involvement by designating a children’s garden where kids can learn how to fuck up a perfectly good batch of cherry tomatoes at their own pace.


Keep your tools in a locked shed to keep others from enjoying gardening with them while you’re not around.

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It might seem grimy and thankless at first, but know that over time, you’ll become skilled at interacting with your neighbors.