With fewer hours of sunlight and lower temperatures that make it harder to stay active, the winter months can be a strain on the body and mind. Here are The Onion’s tips on how to keep seasonal depression at bay:

  • Get to the gym! Exercising can help you find people to hate even more than yourself.
  • Just wait another billion years for the North American continent to drift closer to the equator.
  • Make sure you’re overeating the right foods.
  • Many find it helpful to escape the cold by building a hexagonal room lined with mirrors deep underground, heating the chamber up to at least 120 degrees, and then descending into a hallucinatory fugue for the winter.
  • Take a three-week-long vacation of a lifetime to explore Southeast Asia, or, you know, buy a special lamp.
  • It’s a little-known fact, but pharmaceutical companies actually make medications that can be used to alter people’s moods. However, doctors only prescribe these medicines in extreme circumstances for a tiny handful of one in five Americans.
  • Curling up inside and binge-watching your favorite TV show is a great way to pass several hours of your months-long winter ordeal.

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