Illustration for article titled How To Stave Off The Winter Blues

With fewer hours of sunlight and lower temperatures that make it harder to stay active, the winter months can be a strain on the body and mind. Here are The Onion’s tips on how to keep seasonal depression at bay:

  • Get to the gym! Exercising can help you find people to hate even more than yourself.
  • Just wait another billion years for the North American continent to drift closer to the equator.
  • Make sure you’re overeating the right foods.
  • Many find it helpful to escape the cold by building a hexagonal room lined with mirrors deep underground, heating the chamber up to at least 120 degrees, and then descending into a hallucinatory fugue for the winter.
  • Take a three-week-long vacation of a lifetime to explore Southeast Asia, or, you know, buy a special lamp.
  • It’s a little-known fact, but pharmaceutical companies actually make medications that can be used to alter people’s moods. However, doctors only prescribe these medicines in extreme circumstances for a tiny handful of one in five Americans.
  • Curling up inside and binge-watching your favorite TV show is a great way to pass several hours of your months-long winter ordeal.
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