How Trump Plans To Improve America’s Cybersecurity

Examine exact replica of a laptop to get inside the head of a real computer user

Encourage Americans to save sensitive documents to the desktop and send computer via courier to intended recipient

Shrink Rudy Giuliani down to size of microchip to infiltrate terror organizations’ hard drives

Create cabinet-level Secretary of Cybersecurity position to be helmed by octogenarian textile magnate

Motivate intelligence community by continuing to delegitimize, undervalue everything they do