How Unemployment Benefits Work

Illustration for article titled How Unemployment Benefits Work

Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.


STEP 1: Lose your fucking job.

STEP 2: Google location to ensure you file in correct state.

STEP 3: Show proof of unemployment status by displaying empty pockets.

STEP 4: Friend who once applied for unemployment tells you all the ways you did it wrong.

STEP 5: Qualifying applicants required to submit weekly claims detailing deepest, darkest secrets to be used as collateral.

STEP 6: Unemployment office employee gets big “DENIED” stamp ready.

STEP 7: Confirm you’ve been spending minimum of 26 hours per day looking for new job.


STEP 8: Another multi-week waiting period thrown in somewhere around here.

STEP 9: Unable to navigate complicated unemployment system, instead start GoFundMe page.


STEP 10: Receive huge check to spend on frivolities like groceries and electric bills.