How Voting Works

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled How Voting Works

Step 1

Go online to find out where you forgot to register to vote

Step 2:

Double-check to ensure you aren’t currently serving a prison term

Step 3:

Make sure not to eat or drink anything 24 hours before voting

Step 4:

Clipboard-holding supporter outside polling location asks if you have a moment to learn even one thing about a non-presidential candidate

Step 5:

Business class allowed to vote first

Step 6:

Those whose shift starts in 20 minutes leave polling line and hope election goes their way


Step 7:

Poll worker assures annoyed voter that ID registration mix-up should just take a couple of lawsuits to fix


Step 8:

Cast a few practice ballots

Step 9:

Go on mad, whirlwind box-marking tear through circuit court races section of ballot


Step 10:

House band plays voter out of the booth

Step 11:

Insert ballot into machine, with additional option to insert $10 bill for chance at doubling your vote


Step 12:

Ballot box digests ballot

Step 13:

“I Voted” filter or some shit like that added to Facebook profile picture

Step 14:

Ballots haphazardly piled into pickup truck bed for transport down windy highway

Step 15:

All ballots cast by elderly voters immediately discarded and replaced with best guesses at what they were more or less going for


Step 16:

Official ballot counter sighs, manually inputs write-in submission “King Faggot” into vote-tabulating system


Step 17:

Someone you don’t like declared winner