SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to boost morale by celebrating their accomplishments, the human resources department at a local tech start-up reportedly decided Wednesday to ring a gong every time they successfully covered up sexual harassment. “It’s just a fun way to acknowledge the hard work we do here and to inspire one another with our successes,” said HR head Dominic Feinbender, who clapped and cheered as a handful of his team members joyously lined up to bang the gong, denoting several instances of predatory, toxic, and outright illegal behavior being successfully swept under the rug since the start of business that day. “Everyone, let’s congratulate our colleagues on another great day allowing sexual misconduct to run rampant at our company under the guise of care. Really great work, seeing as more than half of the upper management team is going to be walking away from this email fiasco scot-free. And Kayley—where’s Kayley?—how you managed to scrub the internet of that leaked groping complaint, I’ll never know! This is how you do it, people—well done, all around.” At press time, the company’s CEO had reportedly awarded an $8,000 bonus to the HR team for exceptional work in making even the most well-founded allegations vanish without a trace.