Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm:
- Quickly find shelter atop nearest roof, tree or pier.
- Run through torrents of rain screaming, "I warned you all!" while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses.
- At first signs of hurricane weather, rush to Food Lion to stock up on 64-ounce containers of Ocean Spray Cranapple or Crangrape juice, just $2.79 when you present your Food Lion Supersaver card.
- At the exact center of a hurricane is an "eye" of utter tranquility. Use this safety zone as a launch window for your mission to rescue stranded astronaut Gene Hackman.
- To protect yourself from storm, build up your inner defense mechanisms by slowly retreating into state of deep denial.
- No matter how bad hurricane gets, don't let Mr. Government Man make you leave your house.
- Stay on top of situation by keeping tuned to Channel 8's SuperAtmoForecastTeam with live Doppler Radar.
- Detonating homemade bombs fashioned from gasoline and manure is dangerous even in ideal weather conditions. Steer especially clear of such detonations throughout the duration of hurricane.
- Tell your children firmly and clearly, "I'm so sorry that we're all going to die."
- Save urine in jars.
- To minimize risk of hurricane damage, avoid building vacation home atop ocean.
- Blood sacrifices have been known to appease the angry monsoon gods. If goats and chickens do not suffice, capture one of the White-Men-Who-Speak-Of-Jesus from the missionary school and dispatch him to the sky-realm of Urguta.
- Before evacuating home, coat walls and possessions with adhesive glue. Afterwards, everything will be blown into one easy-to-collect lump.
- At the height of the storm's intensity, go at it with your spouse like there's no tomorrow. Not only is it the thrill of a lifetime, but the heightened reflexes caused by your enhanced physical state will better enable both of you to survive in the event of a sudden catastrophic, explosive decompression of your home.
- Whatever happens, remember: It's not your fault.