On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
In 2012, at the age of 15, I was shot in the head by the Taliban for my vocal support of women’s education. They tried to silence me, but I fought back, becoming the youngest-ever U.N. Messenger of Peace and even winning a Nobel Peace Prize. Since then, my voice—and all women’s voices—have only grown stronger. That is, until today.
For the majority of my life, I have worked to support women’s rights, but I can no longer in good conscience call myself a feminist after watching a couple of YouTube videos.
That’s right. After logging onto YouTube and absentmindedly scrolling through a series of recommended videos made by prominent influencers, vloggers, and podcast hosts, I, Malala Yousafzai, formally renounce my affiliation with the feminist ideology. I understand that many SJWs and blue-haired antifa libs will hate this news, but the fact is, I don’t care about building schools or advancing female education anymore, because I understand that the entire concept of feminism is designed to hold women back.
I know what you’re thinking. “Malala, you’ve been brainwashed.” But perhaps, if you took just a few minutes to watch the videos that YouTube recommends, you’d realize you are the one who is brainwashed, and that women actually have an innate, natural desire to be provided for by men.
To anyone who disagrees, I invite you to in good faith watch several lectures, debates, and podcasts from luminaries like Jordan Peterson, Matt Walsh, and Andrew Tate. The thing about these men is that unlike miserable, liberal-minded females, they use facts and logic to prove their points. Indeed, many “so-called” feminists use things like the education gap, the wage gap, and sexual harassment to punish hardworking, honest men like them!
The truth is, feminism leads to oppression, not the other way around. In all my years of raising money, working with the U.N., and promoting women’s rights, I never once stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, women don’t want equality, and what they really want is to find a husband, bear children, make a home, and satisfy men’s sexual desires without ever once complaining.
Perhaps it’s time to stop pearl-clutching, take the red pill, and, like me, realize that feminism actually makes women ugly, unhappy, and evil!
God, I wish I’d never learned to read.
At one point in my career, I spent every day fighting to open schools and tear down the so-called “oppressors” who prevented women from learning. But thanks to watching just a few videos on YouTube, I now know that education doesn’t matter, and feminism is actually a tool used by the libs to castrate all men and end society as we know it.
And if you don’t like that, I dare you to debate me. Just let me get permission from my husband first.