TOKYO—Staring in wonderment as the Olympic Village, stadiums, and surrounding cityscape collapsed in upon themselves, the beaming president of the International Olympic Committee said “I can’t believe we pulled it off” while standing in the charred, smoking crater where Tokyo once was. “Despite unprecedented challenges and obstacles, we never once abandoned our mission to bring the world the 2020 Summer Games,” Thomas Bach told reporters as he walked amongst the smoldering rubble and applauded Olympic organizers, workers, and athletes who were screaming for help, many of them buried beneath several thousand tons of twisted steel and concrete that had crashed down around them. “Although we faced a yearlong delay, nothing could stop us from lighting the Olympic torch in Tokyo for the first time since 1964. To everyone who said we should have given up and gone home—look at us now!” Bach then climbed atop a large pile of bones to announce his intention to hold the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles in 2028 and Brisbane in 2032 even if those cities were completely engulfed in wildfires as a result of climate change.
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