WASHINGTON—Feeling overwhelmed and unable to take it any longer, hundreds of millions of American citizens across the country reportedly thought “I can’t do this anymore” while going quietly about their regular daily routines Wednesday.
As they commuted to work, performed household tasks, sat around with family and friends, engaged in hobbies, or watched television, each of the 320 million residents of the United States reportedly acknowledged to themselves that they simply could not continue doing any of this, not for a single moment.
According to sources, every last member of the nation’s populace further recognized this has gone on for far too long already.
“I can’t keep doing this,” each person in the country reportedly thought while shopping for groceries, replying to emails, sitting through meetings, walking to or from their parking spot, or tucking their children into bed. “Things can’t go on like this. They just can’t.”
“There’s no way,” the entire U.S. population added silently to themselves.
Reports confirmed the thought was identical across all demographics, with every American, regardless of income, age, occupation, political affiliation, religion, or health, coming to the realization that this just keeps going on and on and on and there isn’t any reason to think it will end anytime soon.
The stark notion is said to have occupied the mind of a bank teller in downtown Cincinnati late this morning, as well as the customer whose balance he was checking, the three people standing behind the customer in line, the dentist filling a cavity three floors up, the patient having her cavity filled, a handful of people waiting for the bus outside the building, dozens of pedestrians at the adjacent crosswalk, each of the drivers who passed by them, everyone else in the greater Cincinnati area, and indeed everyone in all 50 states and the District of Columbia.
“Why am I even trying anymore?” thought Minneapolis cashier Sarah Collins, 23, while ringing up the purchase of Walter Nathanson, a 68-year-old retiree who arrived at the exact same conclusion while taking his change, folding it neatly in his wallet, and telling the young woman to have a nice day. “What’s the fucking point?”
As the nation’s residents wondered how they could possibly carry on with even one more second of this, sources confirmed they continued to chop vegetables, ride in elevators, participate in conference calls, lie in bed next to their spouse, take crosstown buses, reheat leftovers, walk upstairs, put gas in their cars, put their shoes on, shave, stare blankly at a computer or phone screen, walk back downstairs, make photocopies, or pour themselves a drink of water.
While reactions to the thought were imperceptible to most casual onlookers, an audible exhalation reportedly left the lips of all 320 million of the country’s inhabitants at the exact same time. In addition, the eyes of the entire population are believed to have been cast downward for a brief, simultaneous moment as they each individually concluded that they simply didn’t have it in them to keep this up.
“Jesus…” thought every American upon evaluating the circumstances that had brought them to this point. “I just can’t deal with this. Not anymore.”
At press time, reports indicated every single person in the country had gritted their teeth and forced their mouth into a resigned smile before moving on with their day.