DUBLIN, OH—Eagerly expounding on what he described as “probably [his] best costume idea ever,” local 28-year-old Aiden Johnston, who sources confirmed will be dead by May, told reporters Wednesday he can’t wait to dress up as Covid-19 for Halloween. “Oh, man, it’d be so funny if I went as the coronavirus and my girlfriend went as the CDC—that would absolutely crush,” said Johnston, wondering aloud whether a bright-red, full-body spandex suit covered in ping-pong balls would sufficiently represent the virus that will begin wreaking havoc on his lungs in April and, within a matter of weeks, cause all of his major organs to shut down. “I wonder if there’s a way to get my dog in on it, too. I know my friends [half of whom will also reportedly die from Covid-19] would have a good laugh if I put a little surgical mask on him. Maybe I’ll even throw a quarantine-themed party and we can cover up all the windows with plastic and give out gloves and hand sanitizer at the door!” At press time, sources reported that Johnston had decided to get a head start on his costume by picking up a few things at a local Walmart, where he immediately contracted coronavirus from a shopping cart handle.
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