BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my age, one wants to be free to choose the appropriate time for their death,” said the 104-year-old Australian scientist, slipping goggles over his eyes and lighting the cannon’s fuse with a giant matchstick as a representative from the advocacy group Exit International began playing a drumroll. “It is my decision to end my life today, and it is my hope that my story will increase pressure on other governments to change their laws regarding euthanasia. All human beings have the right to die with dignity. Now, let’s get this show on the road!” At press time, Goodall had reportedly expired peacefully as his crumpled body slowly slid down the brick wall.
More from The Onion