HUDSONVILLE, MI—Glaring at the family members who had dared disrespect her wishes, local mother Clarissa Sandona reportedly screamed “I said no gifts!” Wednesday as a cloud of birthday presents began to violently swirl around the room. “I told you I have everything I need,” said Sandona, her hair fluttering in the wind created by the vortex of wrapped boxes and her eyes narrowing to emit a thunderbolt that shot a package straight through the air and into the chest of her nearest child, who went tumbling backward against the wall while everyone else in the room fled. “I said I didn’t want a big thing. Don’t you understand? We are so fortunate as it is. A simple card would have sufficed. The only gift I want is you!” At press time, witnesses confirmed the storm lifted and the presents fell to the floor after Sandona had opened one up to find a clay pot that she acknowledged was “really nice.”