Hola, amigos. How's tricks? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been chasing my tail like a retard dog these days. I've been working plenty of hours at the warehouse discount place. I even got a little overtime. We were short-staffed because a bunch of people were out sick back in November, so they made me stand up front and look at people's receipts.
I actually wound up getting into it with some guy because he told me I didn't need to check his receipt, and I said bullshit I didn't and that he should get his ass back here, otherwise I would have to take him down. He went for it, so I went for it, and a manager came and had to break us up. I didn't punch the guy or anything, but I wasn't going to let him disrespect me like that, because I was right and he was being a dick.
After that, they decided they didn't want me working with people, so they moved me to the bakery. Now I'm learning how to bake things, mostly chocolate-chip muffins. It's funny because the only thing Jim Anchower can cook is hard-boiled eggs and bacon. I really like using the big mixer. It's pretty fucking baller. If I could, I'd get one for my house so I could work on some new muffin tricks on my own.
On top of that, I've been making a little extra cash picking up old metal stuff and selling it to scrap places. I drive around town and when I see any old metal railings or used aluminum siding being thrown out, I just pull over, put the seat down, and throw it in the back. Then, when the car is all full, I just take her to the recycling place off the highway.
But I'm starting to think big with it. I'm saving up my money to buy a cart and a trailer hitch. That way, I don't have to go to the recycling place every week. I can just unload it into a pile in the backyard and then take a cartload in once a month. I haven't cleared it with my roommates, but I'm sure they'll be cool with it. It's going to save me a ton on gas, plus having a car full of metal kind of sucks if I want to take a honey out for a night on the town. It hasn't happened yet, but spring is here, so ya never know.
I had to put my new business on hold for a while, though. I was on my way home from work one day when I hit the jackpot. There was a radiator and an old stove, just sitting there on the curb, waiting for someone to come by and take them. All I had to do was load them into the Festiva.
I hoisted the radiator in there no problem, but it took up more room than I expected. I thought about dropping it off at home, then coming back for the stove, but then this dude in an old beat-up pickup truck with the plywood sides passed by real slow. I knew that the moment I pulled away, that guy was gonna swoop in and pick up the stove that was rightfully mine. There was no way I was letting that happen, so I started trying to cram it in the hatchback.
The thing is, you can fit a lot of stuff in a Festiva, but I don't think you're supposed to. I had the stove partway up on the bumper on its side, but it wasn't going in. I figured that all I had to do was get it at least halfway in, though. Then, so long as I drove slow and didn't hit any serious bumpage, I'd be set. That's when the stove slipped and landed right on my foot.
Now, I ain't some kind of pussy when it comes to getting hit with stuff. I've had all sorts of cuts, scrapes, bruises, gouges, you name it. And as a guy that likes to work on his own car, all kinds of stuff lands on my foot and I never said shit. But I ain't gonna lie, that stove hurt like a bitch. Once I got it off my foot, I sat on the curb for a few minutes trying to catch my breath. I got up to walk it off, but I wound up falling back down because a fucking stove just fell on my foot.
After like 10 minutes, I was able to get up and hobble to my car. I left the stove in the street because I didn't really want it that bad anymore. All I wanted was to put my foot up and get some Miller Genuine Draft in me to ease the pain. It took some doing, but I finally managed to pick up a 12-pack, make it home, and sit down to take off my shoes.
Only problem was, my shoe wasn't coming off. My foot swole up so much that I couldn't budge the fucker. So I kept it on, thinking the pain would pass and the swelling would go down. But after four hours, it got so bad that I had to go to the emergency room. I practically had to crawl to the Festiva, and I couldn't put a lot of pressure on my gas foot, so I drove 10 miles an hour the whole way there.
I parked right by the entrance, because I could barely walk. I guess I passed out right after I started filling out paperwork, because the next thing I know, I'm in a hospital bed with a doctor cutting my shoe off. Turns out I busted the hell out of my foot, and they had to do some kind of operation on it. I had to get one of those boot casts and a pair of crutches, too.
It really sucks. Sure, I got a doctor's excuse to stay off my feet for a while, but I also got this $4,000 emergency room bill. Plus they towed my car away from the front of the hospital, because I guess only ambulances can park there, so I had to pay a $200 impound fee. I tried to tell them I couldn't walk and that was the only way I could get into the emergency room, but they didn't care. Fucking parking pigs, man.
So I guess they passed this health care, and I was against it for a while, because I don't think socialism is good for America. But really, I don't know how the hell else I am going to pay off this emergency room bill. I'd have to find a lot of stoves to sell, and they ain't exactly growing on trees. So I just have to find out how I can use this health care to pay off my debt so I can go back to being a productive member of society that can buy shit. You know, spread the money around a little. And not just to the hospital, who should know better than to take advantage of a guy with a broke-ass foot.
Jim Anchower joined The Onion's editorial writing staff in 1993 after several distinguished years on The Come Back Inn dishwashing staff. He comments on community-affairs, automotive, and employment issues. He attended LaFollette High School in Madison, WI.