Illustration for article titled ‘I Will Not Be Censored,’ Yells Trump Chaining Himself To Phone Displaying Twitter Homepage

WASHINGTON—Screaming into a megaphone and threatening to shut down the “biased” social media site once and for all, President Donald Trump reportedly chained himself to a phone displaying Twitter Friday while yelling that he “will not be censored.” “Try as you might, I will not remove these restraints until you take off the chains that you’ve shackled around my God-given freedom of free speech,” said the 45th president of the United States who, after verbally accosting passers by, then proceeded to wrap a thick metal chain around an iPhone, attach a metal lock between the links, and throw away the key. “Today, I dare Jack Dorsey to come down to Twitter HQ, walk out of my phone screen, and face me like a man. Until then, I will place this symbolic duct tape over my mouth, eyes, and nose, and continue to hold Twitter hostage and render it unusable for the entire nation.” At press time, Trump had reportedly urinated into several water bottles, thrown them to the side, and then lit a fire beneath his iPhone while threatening to “burn Twitter and everyone on it to the ground.”


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