Since we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the Midwest. Folks love to stop in for a hearty, cooked-to-order meal with family or friends, and our restaurants are pillars of the communities they serve. While it seems unlikely that any serious candidate for president of the United States would neglect to schedule a campaign stop at Culver’s, I have one simple message I would like to impart, just in case.
If you don’t get your picture taken eating at a Culver’s, I will personally destroy your chances of being elected president in 2020.
You heard me. Whether you’re doing a big push for the Iowa caucuses, reaching out to blue-collar workers in Minnesota, or visiting a championship basketball team at an Indiana high school, you’re going to stop into one of our restaurants. Then you’re going to order a seared-to-perfection ButterBurger with a side of crinkle-cut fries and pose for a photo with our local salt-of-the-earth customers. Because if you do not, I will systematically annihilate your bid for the White House, engineering the complete and permanent downfall of your political career.
The arrangement is simple. All I require is that you come to a Culver’s and have your visit documented by the press. Make sure someone photographs you bantering at the ketchup pump with a ruddy-faced Packers fan, or cooing at a Kansas woman’s baby while you hold a waffle cone of our Fresh Frozen Custard. That’s it! But should you fail to do this, well, I’ll have no choice but to tear apart your reputation piece by piece, turning friends and even family against you until you’ve lost the trust of everyone you care about.
Don’t test me on this. Remember what happened to Mitt Romney? Who do you think leaked that video of him saying 47% of Americans are nothing but government freeloaders? Yeah. That’s what happens when you stop at Steak ’n Shake instead of Culver’s.
Do you know who I am? I’m Craig fucking Culver. I own the Midwest. I sell cheese curds to yokels and take in more than a billion annually, every penny of which I can use to make sure you never get anywhere near the Oval Office. So if the TV crews are here and I hand you a tub of coleslaw, you’re going to sit your ass down in a booth and eat every last bite of it. Or you’ll do a photo op in which you chomp down on a homestyle Beef Pot Roast Sandwich while answering some dope’s questions about farm subsidies. And later on, you’ll post that photo all over Instagram and Twitter, tagging Culver’s every goddamn time.
This goes for any presidential candidate: Republican, Democrat, independent. I don’t give a shit about your policies or experience. All I care about is seeing you spoon one of our Concrete Mixer dairy desserts into your mouth while standing next to a cardboard cutout of our mascot, Scoopie. And by God, you’ll smile and make people believe coming to a place like Culver’s is the kind of thing you do all the fucking time. Do you understand?
With nearly 700 locations in 24 states, Culver’s makes kings, and it can crush them too.
If you ignore my demands and instead go for steak and eggs at Denny’s or a slice of pie at Perkins, your fate is sealed, my friend. I’ll hire the dirtiest opposition researchers in the business and create scandals that will put you on the front page of The New York Times for weeks. They’ll dig through yearbook photos, talk to childhood friends, and find quotes from old interviews they can take out of context to generate wall-to-wall cable news coverage.
And if we can’t find anything, we’ll make shit up! We’ll plant rumors. We’ll implicate you in a campaign finance scandal or an affair with a minor. Here at Culver’s, we have friends in pretty high places, and we are not fucking around. By the time we’re finished, you’ll wish you were dead. That’s a Culver family promise.
So consider yourself warned. The 2020 campaign has begun. I am a patient man, but my patience runs a bit thinner each time I open the newspaper and fail to see a picture of you cramming a Culver’s Bacon Deluxe into your face, yucking it up with one of our uniformed cashiers or shaking the hands of a bunch of repulsive customers with big fat shit-eating grins. You get the idea. I expect we’ll be seeing you very soon.
Oh, and while you’re here, be sure to check out our five-dollar Snackpak value meals. I guarantee you won’t find a better deal anywhere on the campaign trail!