CHICAGO—Recklessly delving into the drama without so much as a thought to its waning cultural importance, local idiot Matthew Zeigler reportedly started watching Showtime’s Yellowjackets Wednesday, weeks after it would have helped him in casual conversation. “Oh man, this is actually pretty cool,” said the stupid fucking moron, who was either too ignorant or too flat-out brainless to understand that the horror survival series could no longer provide him with any fodder for brief discussions with coworkers, or that his half-witted decision to view Yellowjackets at this late stage meant it would yield zero fruitful text message chains about how the show was sort of like a scarier version of Lost. “Honestly, I might even watch another episode right now. [Time for me to throw away 10 hours of my life on a series that people are barely even talking about anymore. But, hey, that’s just the sort of choice you’d expect from a knuckle-dragging dipshit like me!]” At press time, sources confirmed the absolutely pathetic excuse for a conscious being had decided that after finishing this, he might move on to 2021’s Squid Game.