SAN DIEGO—Dimwittedly refusing to let her offspring venture more than a few feet away from her, an idiot gazelle at the San Diego Zoo was reportedly still protective of her young Tuesday despite facing absolutely no predators. “The closest actual threat is thousands of miles away, but this dummy honestly thinks she has to guard her babies—what a stupid moron,” said zoo visitor Doug Lamberton, noting how the empty-headed dolt of a mother nudged her three fawns closer together, hovering over them in a remote corner of her enclosure even though the only nearby beasts of prey were under lock and key in entirely different parts of the zoo. “Hey, dumbass—you’re surrounded by a 10-foot fence and this huge moat. Oh, and newsflash: You’re nowhere near the African savanna. You think some cheetah’s gonna charge in out of nowhere and eat your young? Talk about shit for brains.” At press time, sources reported the monumental dipshit was displaying instinctive courtship behaviors even though the zoo no longer has any male gazelles.

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