DETROIT—Feeling listless and irritable after weeks of dull routine and attempts to keep itself occupied, the immune system of self-quarantined local man Gary Dutton was bored too, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll eventually go crazy if I keep puttering around like this with nothing to do but fight off the same old tedious household germs I’ve fought off a million times before,” said the complex bodily system responsible for protecting Dutton against disease, adding that it felt especially useless knowing that as it sat there doing nothing, a highly communicable, life-threatening virus was ravaging the world right outside. “At this point, I’d be glad for just about any excuse to ramp up white blood cell production and really let loose on something. It doesn’t have to be the novel coronavirus, either. I’d take influenza, measles—for the love of God, at least give me a cold or a staph infection to neutralize.” At press time, reports confirmed Dutton’s immune system had begun attacking normal, healthy tissue just to break the monotony.
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