Massive human-caused fires in the Amazon are burning the rainforest at a record rate, stoking global concerns about its potential impact on climate change and shrouding Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro in controversy. The Onion looks at the most significant consequences of the massive fires in the Amazon rainforest.
Lowers CO2 emissions given off by indigenous people breathing.
Rare plant containing compound essential to curing cancer burned to extinction within five minutes of fires starting.
Constitutes a direct challenge to American wildfire exceptionalism.
Shitload of dead capybaras.
Jair Bolsonaro somehow leverages role in this unmitigated catastrophe to secure second term.
Dozens of misinformed Americans setting their lawns on fire in solidarity with Brazil.
Finally replaces 55 million years of evolution with God’s most perfect animal: cows.
Increased bragging rights for surviving this long for uncontacted peoples in Papua New Guinea.
Salesman trying to screw you out of extra $100 on that Brazilian mahogany armoire.
Nothing a worldwide climate holocaust followed by 5 million years of ecological healing won’t fix.