GREEN BAY, WI—Eager to move past the fundamentals and dive into more complex territory, impatient guitar student Justin Howard reportedly asked his instructor Tuesday how long it would be until he got to sleep with teenagers. “Yeah, I think I’ve got the G-C-D chord stuff covered—I’m just wondering how quickly we get into the barely legal snatch back in my trailer?” Howard said 20 minutes into his first lesson, cutting off his teacher’s demonstration of a barre chord to emphasize that he really just wanted to get a quick update on how many hours of practice it would take before he had two topless high school seniors on either arm and was making out with a third. “Also, do I start binge-drinking now, or should I hold off until after we get to some of the blues scale stuff you were talking about? Don’t get me wrong, I understand why the basics are so important, but I’m horny and want to get this going as soon as I can. I already have a lot of ideas on how I could get a bunch of smoking hot babes in different towns who all think I love them.” At press time, Howard’s teacher had told the disappointed man that he should try to learn seventh chords before he attempted the complex technique of making a 19-year-old sign an NDA and then ushering her back to his dressing room.
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