ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN—Amid calls for him to step down after his close associates were named in the Pandora Papers, Prime Minister Imran Khan explained in an address to his nation Tuesday that the money in hidden offshore tax havens was being saved to buy the Pakistani people a big fancy present. “I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted it to be a nice surprise,” said Khan, who added that his cabinet members, key financial backers, and other political allies had only moved millions of dollars into untraceable foreign accounts so that Pakistanis wouldn’t notice the unusually large deposits and start to suspect an exciting gift was headed their way. “Well, it’s completely ruined now. A bunch of nosy people had to go and spoil it, which is too bad, because this present was going to be great, something everyone would have really enjoyed. But apparently we just can’t do fun things around here anymore. I hope everybody’s happy!” Khan later winked at the Pakistani populace and told them if they could keep a secret, he might still be willing to give the nation’s military some more of those 40-kiloton, 1,200-kilometer-range presents it’s always asking for.
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