ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a move that shocked and angered city residents, including families that have called the area home for centuries, an increasingly bold Israel announced Tuesday that it had begun building settlements for its citizens in downtown Albuquerque, NM. “Our High Planning Committee has approved 1,200 new Israeli homes in Albuquerque’s central business district and will soon move forward with plans to expand into the nearby Old Town and Nob Hill neighborhoods as well,” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who confirmed Albuquerque Plaza, the Metropolitan Courthouse, and the historic KiMo Theatre were just a few among many of the city’s buildings that would soon be demolished to make way for brand-new Israeli subdivisions. “We will also be taking measures to protect these new settlements by building a barrier wall along the Santa Fe border, which can only be crossed by those holding an Israeli passport. In addition, we’ll have IDF troops patrolling all of Albuquerque to keep the peace, and any American resident charged with a crime will be tried in our military courts. Naturally, these measures are necessary to ensure Israel’s security interests.” At press time, the U.S. government had pledged to provide Israel with an additional $3 billion in military aid to help the nation defend its new territory.