NEW YORK—Admitting they were unable to attract 18-to-34-year-old consumers’ attention no matter how hard they tried, the nation’s desperate advertisers confided Friday that they are settling for the considerably more attainable 35-to-44-year-old demographic. “We’ve tried everything we can think of to appeal to people under the age of 35, but it seems like they don’t even notice us,” said Saskia Pfeiffer, a New York–based brand manager working on behalf of GM and Colgate-Palmolive, conceding that after dozens of attempts to interest young adults, she and her colleagues have finally opted to settle down with a slightly older demographic that they know they can reliably market to. “And you know, 35-to-44-year-olds aren’t so bad. Some people may say they’re not as desirable, but their higher disposable income and education are actually really nice. Yeah, I can definitely see our brands with people in their late 30s.” Pfeiffer then reassured herself that she and her clients could do a lot worse, pointing to Tommy Bahama’s “sad” long-term relationship with 45-to-60-year-old single males with annual incomes of less than $50,000.

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