PITTSBURGH—In an emotional yet somewhat stilted plea, an increasingly desperate Volodymyr Zelensky was reportedly straining to connect the war with Russia to trowel sales Tuesday in his video address to a garden supply wholesaler. “The proliferation of trowels is much like the proliferation of war, except, uh, trowels are fine, and war is bad,” the Ukrainian president said in a pretaped 45-minute address, scratching his head and stuttering momentarily as he made an urgent appeal to the six-member team of the local small business for their full material and diplomatic support. “Just as we cannot close our eyes to the growing of weeds in our gardens, so too must this world keep its eyes open to the atrocities in Ukraine—ah, there we go, see, I got this. Yes. We plant the seeds of democracy now, so that our smiles are plaque and cavity-free tomorrow. Oops, I’m sorry, that part was for a dentist’s office I have booked later today.” At press time, sources confirmed staff members were so moved by Zelensky’s speech that they had pledged to send 50 bags of mulch to Ukraine.