LOS ANGELES—Pledging to maintain the safety and security of the city’s most cherished destinations, an increasingly unhinged Eric Garcetti reportedly covered his own body with metal spikes Thursday to prevent homeless people from sleeping on him. “These small iron spikes will help ensure that my body is a space that all Angelinos can continue to enjoy for years to come,” said the Los Angeles mayor, describing the spikes as a central plank in his efforts to prevent dirty and unsightly homeless encampments from springing up around his stomach and groin. “Some may describe this action as cruel, but I think we can all agree that this is better than the alternative of police having to patrol along my body and detain the homeless men and women who have taken up residence there. We’re getting enough complaints as it is from them leaving behind trash and even urinating directly upon my face. There’s nothing compassionate about allowing that sort of behavior to continue” Garcetti added that the spikes were especially essential given that the homeless people were all three inches tall and extremely wily, allowing them to evade capture at a moment’s notice.