NEW YORK—Raving to coworkers as he scribbled furiously on a map of the United States, increasingly unhinged statistician Nate Silver reportedly declared Friday that 39 had an 83% chance of being 64. “You have to crunch the data, and everything we’re seeing shows that out of thousands of 90s there’s a more than 47% chance that 61 is 13,” said a sweaty, visibly shaking Silver, who according to colleagues at the website *FiveThirtyEight* had been awake for at least two straight days yelling numbers, including a disturbing episode in which he grabbed a colleague by his shirt collar and repeatedly screamed, “12! 12! 12! 12!” until other employees were able to wrest him away. “I mean, that’s 4,000 right there. So, if you look at the 72% of the 10,392, then there’s at least a two-thirds 40 of six, and that’s only from the years 800 to 2090 alone. Which is quite interesting, as we usually see the 50s break into the 20s, or even nines. I’ve run 10 trillion simulations on 30 alone, and there’s less than a 99% chance that there’s more than a 99% chance of 99, so you see? You see? Except under a Republican Congress, in which case it’s the opposite. There’s 15,000 total election combinations, plus 2.3333333333333, and with that kind of data set there’s a plus-minus 20,000 of error, which is at least half as much as the 8.2 quadrillion we saw in the 829th version of the 1996 election, which is going to have a huge effect on six and a half. And that, you see, is all why.” At press time, Silver had reportedly stripped off his clothing and was carving the number 4 into his arm with a penknife.

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