After former president Donald Trump was indicted last week by a New York grand jury, The Onion asked politicians what they thought about the charges and this is what they said.
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“I am going to kill myself.”
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“This is a political miscarriage of justice for actions that I personally wouldn’t have been caught dead being stupid enough to do, and it is absolutely wrong for the Manhattan DA to charge this absolute doofus with these crimes that he most likely did because he is worse than me.”
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“Hopefully this means those resistance losers will finally shut the fuck up.”
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“It’s not like he did anything really appalling like adopting an underage plaything from Cuba.”
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“Can we make this about trans people somehow? Like, maybe we start saying that the Manhattan grand jury is full of trans people. I don’t know, just a pitch.”
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“Wait, what? It takes so long for news to travel here from Washington. Last I heard, he was running for president.”
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“It’s good to see justice carried out upon someone other than myself.”
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“What’s the big deal? Trump joins a long history of presidents who have been indicted after paying hush money to a porn star.”
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“Robert Kennedy lives in my kitchen cabinet!”
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“…He’s next to the cups!”
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“Now who will sit on my lap when I do donuts in my wheelchair?”
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“I will immediately be fighting back against this great injustice by curling up into a little ball while sucking my thumb and sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow.”
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“Didn’t I get indicted? No? Wait, seriously? How the fuck does the U.S. justice system function?”
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“It’ll be fine. Of course it’ll be fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? I would let you hold me right now to make me feel safe. I don’t need you to hold me, but you could if you really wanted to. Maybe run your fingers through my hair like mommy used to do when I was a child. Fine I’ll let you hold me, since you want to so badly.”
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“Look, I already got the gig I wanted, so I really don’t pay attention to politics anymore.”
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“This leaves me no choice but to be convicted of the same crimes so that I can break him out of prison from the inside.”
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“Thank God. I was running out of things to talk about in my fundraising emails.”
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“Of course my shipment of C4 gets delayed right when I need it.”
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“Jimmy sad because Jimmy no know what’s gonna happen to Trump friend. He best friend. He said so to Jimmy.”
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“If you’ll excuse me, I have go stop some hush-money payments from going through.”
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