Politicians React To Donald Trump’s Indictment

Politicians React To Donald Trump’s Indictment

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After former president Donald Trump’s recent indictments, The Onion asked politicians what they thought about the charges and this is what they said.

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Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

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“I am going to kill myself.”

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Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL)

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL)

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“This is a political miscarriage of justice for actions that I personally wouldn’t have been caught dead being stupid enough to do, and it is absolutely wrong for the Manhattan DA to charge this absolute doofus with these crimes that he most likely did because he is worse than me.”

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Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

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“Hopefully this means those resistance losers will finally shut the fuck up.”

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Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

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“It’s not like he did anything really appalling like adopting an underage plaything from Cuba.”

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Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)

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“Can we make this about trans people somehow? Like, maybe we start saying that the Manhattan grand jury is full of trans people. I don’t know, just a pitch.”

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Gov. Mike Dunleavy (R-AK)

Gov. Mike Dunleavy (R-AK)

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“Wait, what? It takes so long for news to travel here from Washington. Last I heard, he was running for president.”

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Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV)

Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV)

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“It’s good to see justice carried out upon someone other than myself.”

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Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC)

Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC)

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“What’s the big deal? Trump joins a long history of presidents who have been indicted after paying hush money to a porn star.”

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Rep. George Santos (R-NY)

Rep. George Santos (R-NY)

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“Robert Kennedy lives in my kitchen cabinet!”

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Rep. George Santos (R-NY)

Rep. George Santos (R-NY)

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“…He’s next to the cups!”

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Gov. Greg Abbott (R-TX)

Gov. Greg Abbott (R-TX)

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“Now who will sit on my lap when I do donuts in my wheelchair?”

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Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

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“I will immediately be fighting back against this great injustice by curling up into a little ball while sucking my thumb and sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow.”

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President Richard Nixon

President Richard Nixon

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“Didn’t I get indicted? No? Wait, seriously? How the fuck does the U.S. justice system function?”

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Donald Trump

Donald Trump

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“It’ll be fine. Of course it’ll be fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? I would let you hold me right now to make me feel safe. I don’t need you to hold me, but you could if you really wanted to. Maybe run your fingers through my hair like mommy used to do when I was a child. Fine I’ll let you hold me, since you want to so badly.”

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Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R-AR)

Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R-AR)

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“Look, I already got the gig I wanted, so I really don’t pay attention to politics anymore.”

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Rep. Ronny Jackson (R-TX)

Rep. Ronny Jackson (R-TX)

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“This leaves me no choice but to be convicted of the same crimes so that I can break him out of prison from the inside.”

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Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT)

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT)

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“Thank God. I was running out of things to talk about in my fundraising emails.”

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Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)

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“Of course my shipment of C4 gets delayed right when I need it.”

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Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)

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“Jimmy sad because Jimmy no know what’s gonna happen to Trump friend. He best friend. He said so to Jimmy.”

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Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

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“If you’ll excuse me, I have go stop some hush-money payments from going through.”

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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