DAYTON, OH—Claiming her beloved pet seldom left his spot on the sofa and had never honed his instincts for competitive driving, local woman Lizzy Gelson told reporters Wednesday that her indoor cat Fluffers wouldn’t last a day in the high-octane world of street racing. “This pampered little fella has never even left the house, let alone spent a night immersed in the adrenaline-fueled Tokyo street racing scene,” said Gelson, explaining that the coddled feline was far too sheltered from the outside world to know when to slam on the NOS of his modded-out Nissan Skyline and gun it through the narrow alleyways of a Japanese night market. “He was born inside; he grew up inside. What? You think he has some kind of natural, in-born skill allowing him to maneuver an 800-horsepower machine in dangerous underground tunnels, speed through the plate-glass window of a Harajuku skyscraper, and win both the race and the heart of a skimpily dressed model named Passion? Not a chance.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Fluffers was doing donuts in a supermarket parking lot.