Inflation Jumps 7.5% Before Janet Yellen Realizes She Leaning Against ‘Turbo’ Lever

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WASHINGTON—With markets tumbling as the Consumer Price Index climbed to a 40-year high, sources confirmed Friday that annual inflation had risen a full 7.5% before Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen realized she was reclining against a lever marked “turbo.” “Oh, shit, sorry,” said Yellen, who jumped up as soon as she noticed she had leaned on one of the machines in the Treasury Building, sliding the economy past “rising” and “booming” until the whole contraption began to shake and emit loud bursts of steam. “That’s my bad. But why the hell do we keep this thing where anyone can just bump into it and trigger an inflationary spiral? Let me just…I think you just tug it back this way, but you have to be careful not to pull it so hard that it hits ‘recession’ on the other end.” After accidentally breaking the lever completely off, Yellen reportedly hid it under her jacket, began to whistle, and quietly walked away.