AUSTIN, TX—Providing simple methods for entering a completely unhinged state, the far-right conspiracy theory website InfoWars reportedly offered readers Tuesday a helpful guide to staying psychotic and violent during the stressful Election Day. “In order to make sure you maintain a sense of derangement and hostility during this tumultuous time, we recommend keeping yourself agitated by blasting election coverage at full volume on multiple devices while continuously shrieking batshit insane accusations at imaginary deep-state actors who are trying to destroy America,” read the guide in part, adding that as long as the election results remain uncertain, readers should continuously do little things throughout the day to stay volatile and disconnected from reality such as punching holes in your apartment’s drywall or calling up your estranged family and screaming threats. “You’re going to want to make sure you are shirtless for upwards of 36 hours, and should you find yourself losing energy, make sure to take a handful of off-market supplements and prescription drugs to help give yourself the boost you need to stay as aggravated and paranoid as possible. And don’t forget to get extra twitchy by repeatedly shooting at a cardboard cutout of a hated politician with an AR-15.” The guide added that readers who were struggling to achieve a frenzied mental state should hop in their car and drive through a polling place.
More from The Onion
The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry