Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an unwanted kid. The Onion looks back on the most ingenious forms of birth control used in ancient times.
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This ancient Egyptian birth control method involved wrapping the penis tightly in linen and treating it with embalming fluids.
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If nothing else worked out, there was always the option of throwing the dice, getting pregnant, and immediately dying during childbirth.
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Used as early as the fifth century B.C. by Romans, the vaginal cork saw some success in preventing an infant from escaping through the birth canal.
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Just a small amount of cinnamon—one of the oldest spices in the world—mixed into any dish has always been enough to terminate a pregnancy. Oh, sorry, you didn’t know?
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Of course, as belief in Poseidon dwindled, so did the use of this fairly successful method.
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One of the methods most widely used by early humans.
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As far back as ancient Rome, people would often prevent pregnancy by throwing themselves into the mouths of hungry lions immediately after sex.
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Even back in ancient times, guilt was a powerful tool.
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One hundred percent effective against pregnancy when received before sex or after the baby has already been born, especially if administered by a complete stranger.
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One million years ago, early humans learned to wield fire for the primary purpose of frightening advancing sperm away from a woman’s vagina.
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The intrauterine ornithopter was a device designed by Leonardo da Vinci to fly up into the uterus and through the fallopian tubes to stop an egg from releasing.
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This clever trick used mostly by women of the peasant class involved not eating enough nutrients to ovulate properly.
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Before the more prudish sexual attitudes of modern times developed, ancient humans would seek out those who were incapable of producing children as a result of being dead or children themselves.
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This highly effective birth control method prevented pregnancy 100% of the time.
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In ancient times, many pregnancies were avoided simply by pushing a person to the bottom of a 30-foot-deep well.
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Ancient people knew that if the penis had been destroyed by a rock, it could not get anyone or anything pregnant.
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Originally invented by Greek philosopher Pythagoras, this brilliant birth control method was practiced by geniuses from Isaac Newton to Bertrand Russell.
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Even when emergency contraception just consisted of swallowing a poisonous herb, ancient men still wanted to go halfsies.
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It worked perfectly every time, and without any need for medicines or external devices. Too bad the Mayans all got slaughtered and the only 100% successful form of natural birth control was lost to history.
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’Sblood, the ladye was more pox-ridden than a fowle warthog’s arse. Get thee from here, broke-ass wench.
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Displeasing the pharaoh and being summarily executed was a surefire way of avoiding an unwanted birth.
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When the ancient Romans ran out of beetroot or thistles to rub on their dicks, they would usually just run to the closest bodega and grab one of these—just to make sure.
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This surefire recipe for an ancient elixir—applied under a solstice-night moon—had a near-perfect success rate as long as the partner broke down in tears and apologized profusely for not lasting longer.
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Arby’s signature sauce was used in Babylon as spermicide.
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