AUSTIN, TX—Explaining that it was best to put him out of his misery as quickly as possible, local father and birthday party host Ian Klassen reportedly took an injured clown behind the bouncy house Friday to shoot him. “He was trying to do a headstand on his unicycle when he lost balance and fell, and there was a terrible snapping noise—as soon as I saw his broken leg, that’s when I knew what had to be done,” said Klassen, promptly picking up the hobbled clown by his oversized red shoes and dragging him behind the inflatable castle, where he was to be shot in the head and buried under an old hickory tree. “He immediately tried to get back up and start juggling, but collapsed as soon as he put weight on the leg. He’s been honking his nose in distress. The smile is painted on, but underneath all that makeup, you can see he’s in pain. Well, let’s get this over with, and then we can have cake.” At press time, sources confirmed Klassen had handed the birthday boy the shotgun, saying it was his son’s birthday clown and his son’s responsibility.
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