Insatiable Jeff Bezos Launches New E-Commerce Site ‘Bezylon’ To Undercut Amazon

Illustration for article titled Insatiable Jeff Bezos Launches New E-Commerce Site ‘Bezylon’ To Undercut Amazon

SEATTLE—In an effort to fulfill his insatiable thirst for total marketplace dominance, Jeff Bezos announced the launch of new e-commerce site Bezylon Tuesday to undercut Amazon. “Bezylon offers you faster shipping and lower prices than you’ll find anywhere else in stores or online—I personally guarantee it,” said Bezos, who sent Amazon investors into a panic after revealing he had been studying the technology giant’s data for over 25 years in order to crush it with his own private label brand and impossible-to-match pricing. “Though I initially envisioned Bezylon as a place to buy textbooks and novels, I’m proud to share we’ve recently expanded into electronics, entertainment, and cloud computing. Nowhere else can you find a virtual AI assistant like Bezylon Ophelia for only $9.99, or a streaming service like Bezylon View with amazing original movies and television programs for only 99 cents a month. We’ve even acquired Trader Joe’s to deliver fresh produce and groceries straight the door of special Bezylon Alpha members, who pay a flat rate of $39.99 a year for free shipping.” At press time, both Amazon and Bezylon were fighting for survival after a crazed Bezos had announced the launch of a third site called Jeffnet.

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