FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Voicing his deep-seated feelings of body-related self-consciousness, local man Will Bettner admitted Tuesday that he was worried everyone at his gym was staring at his perfectly chiseled body. “I simply want to take care of my body, but I feel like everyone is just ogling its rippling, godlike magnificence,” said Bettner, 29, who has taken to wearing large hoodies in an unsuccessful attempt to obscure his gigantic biceps. “It’s unnerving to feel everyone’s eyes on you while you deadlift more weight than they could ever dream of. Even the trainers are always on my back about my gain goals, and also if I’m single and what my phone number is. I mean, I know I should be able to love my body for what it is, but it’s hard when society sets unrealistic standards of physical perfection that I’m constantly surpassing.” Bettner told reporters that he refuses to change in the locker room out of fear that someone would see his massive penis.
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