CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company’s popular MacBook that many in attendance described as “disgusting.”
Cook presented the bizarre, malformed new product to stunned silence during a media event at Apple headquarters, revealing a device that, while vaguely similar to a computer in certain respects, appeared to be encased in a thick, flesh-like coating that was visibly moist and engorged.
“Oh, my sweet God,” Apple employee Kurt Starfeldt said after viewing the MacBook up close. “It appeared to be discharging some sort of mucus-type substance from the headphone jack and making these weird murmuring sounds. And then it started quivering at one point when Tim was demonstrating how to use the touch pad. It was quite upsetting, actually.”
“I’m having trouble erasing the image of it from my mind,” Starfeldt added. “Please make it go away.”
Shocked audience members claimed the appalling laptop, which seemed to many onlookers to have functioning digestive, muscular, and urinary systems, was “hard to look at” and easily the most repellent product yet manufactured by Apple.
One customer, who had been anticipating the release of the new MacBook for months, claimed he felt “nauseous” when multiple software applications running at once caused the computer to start wheezing.
“I tried to force-quit some of the programs, but it got all slow and began to turn this sickly purple color,” Bill DeLain, 39, said. “Finally I hit the eject button and a tray popped open and spit out a bunch of teeth. Why does it have teeth?”
According to technical specifications released by Apple, the revolutionary laptop also features an advanced graphic display with a movable lid that protects the exposed screen from harmful dust particles or bacterial infections that can cause the monitor to cloud up and ooze a yellow, milky substance.
Available in 13-, 15-, and 17-inch models, each MacBook contains a 2.4 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor, a battery capable of lasting eight to nine hours on a single charge, and a full-sized keyboard orifice filled with rows of buttons made from growing keratin.
Apple sources confirmed Cook was disappointed by the intense scrutiny from the media, stockholders, and consumers, believing that he was following in his predecessor’s footsteps by attempting to push the technological envelope.
“I watched Steve Jobs build the Apple brand from the ground up, and I know that the name of the game here is cutting-edge,” Cook said. “Honestly, I felt like the next logical step would be a laptop that feels like an extension of your body. The design may not be perfect, but I’m hoping over time maybe people will learn to love it, just as it will learn to love them.”
Cook also assured consumers that the computer is fully compatible with the iLife suite of software applications.
A group of users who tested beta versions of the horrendous new MacBook told reporters they were deeply disturbed when their products moaned to indicate a low battery and then snored gently when put to sleep.
“There’s all this gelatinous webbing that you have to stick your hand in just to turn it on, and then once you do, it starts, like, yelling for 30 seconds or so,” said Shane Brick, a 38-year-old beta tester in San Francisco, adding that he “actually felt kind of bad for it.” “The maintenance is ridiculous, too: Once a month it sheds all of its skin, and you need to shave the USB ports every couple days.”
“And you definitely cannot look at porn,” Brick added. “The thing got really aroused.”
Brick also told reporters that his MacBook originally weighed five pounds, but ballooned up to 80 pounds during a two-week period when Brick was feeling depressed. He said eventually the computer began to quietly whimper, and tears streamed from the built-in speakers.
As of press time, 3.2 million loyal customers were lining up overnight outside of Apple stores across the country for the chance to buy the slick new abomination.