EVERYWHERE—Immediately following Tuesday’s release of the fearless and revelatory beacon of journalistic excellence known as The Trump Leaks, authorities confirmed that the internet plunged into a total blackout as billions of users rushed online to purchase The Onion’s latest book.
“Reports are pouring in from every continent on Earth confirming the total outage of global computer networks, a catastrophe we’re attributing to the massive surge of users all trying to secure at least one copy of this tome of Earth-shattering reportage,” said ICANN representative Peter Duran, warning that the crash could stretch on for weeks or even months if servers worldwide continue being hit by wave after wave of insatiable readers clamoring to invest in award-winning journalism by buying The Onion’s indispensable and inevitably Pulitzer-winning collection. “We simply aren’t equipped to handle billions of simultaneously refreshing order pages for The Trump Leaks, let alone accommodate every one of the millions of five-star reviews from satisfied customers who pre-ordered dozens of copies to enlighten their friends and families during the holiday season. Thank God I got my copy before the servers went down.”
Authorities stressed that those seeking The Trump Leaks at brick-and-mortar bookstores would almost certainly encounter widespread rioting and looting, but noted that such was the price for experiencing the unadulterated supremacy of America’s Finest News Source.