TEHRAN—Giggling to themselves as they transported large quantities of the alkaline-earth metal to a highly secure containment facility, top Iranian officials reportedly began stockpiling strontium Friday just to stress out the U.S. intelligence community. “Oh man, they’re gonna lose their shit when we take all the strontium we can find and start filling concrete silos with it and spinning it around in centrifuges,” said Hamid Yazdani, a research scientist with Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, adding that baffled members of the CIA and NSA would “freak the fuck out” when they saw caches of the naturally occurring element, which would be placed in a spot clearly visible to U.S. surveillance satellites. “We’re putting guards around it and everything. Then, just to sell it even more, we’re gonna photoshop some redacted documents about strontium refining and send a bunch of fake texts about how we’re smuggling it to Hezbollah. We didn’t know what else to do with all this strontium, so we figured, why not have some fun?” At press time, sources confirmed that U.S. officials, having determined that gathering large amounts of any element on the periodic table constituted suspicious behavior, had ordered a series of lethal drone strikes.
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