BAGHOUZ, SYRIA—Returning from the battlefield in humilating defeat, ISIS fighter Abdul Habib al-Masri confirmed Wednesday that he dreaded the smug looks from his hometown friends who told him that establishing a caliphate sounded like a dumb idea. “Ugh, I talked a huge game about how I was going off to build a worldwide caliphate and that I’d show them for doubting me, but now here I am crawling back home without so much as a local stronghold to show for myself.” said al-Masri, who could already hear his old friends mocking him for coming back after only a few years despite boldly claiming the caliphate would reign for millennia. “They called me a dumbass for accepting some ridiculous opportunity I found online, but I told them I’d have the last laugh when I’m sitting at Allah’s right hand as a reward for all my sacrifices. I was on such a high horse about getting out of my shitty town, but I guess they were actually right that there’s no future in global jihad.” At press time, al-Masri had decided to martyr himself rather than give his friends the satisfaction of being proven correct.
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