ISIS Fighter Dreading Smug Looks From Hometown Friends Who Told Him Caliphate Sounded Like Dumb Idea

Illustration for article titled ISIS Fighter Dreading Smug Looks From Hometown Friends Who Told Him Caliphate Sounded Like Dumb Idea

BAGHOUZ, SYRIA—Returning from the battlefield in humilating defeat, ISIS fighter Abdul Habib al-Masri confirmed Wednesday that he dreaded the smug looks from his hometown friends who told him that establishing a caliphate sounded like a dumb idea. “Ugh, I talked a huge game about how I was going off to build a worldwide caliphate and that I’d show them for doubting me, but now here I am crawling back home without so much as a local stronghold to show for myself.” said al-Masri, who could already hear his old friends mocking him for coming back after only a few years despite boldly claiming the caliphate would reign for millennia. “They called me a dumbass for accepting some ridiculous opportunity I found online, but I told them I’d have the last laugh when I’m sitting at Allah’s right hand as a reward for all my sacrifices. I was on such a high horse about getting out of my shitty town, but I guess they were actually right that there’s no future in global jihad.” At press time, al-Masri had decided to martyr himself rather than give his friends the satisfaction of being proven correct.

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